So many slain...

My heart is anxious...

Lonliness, sadness, grief, and a good intention of Lord Jesus. All of these are put in the same sentence.

I am terribly lost and depressed in my mind because I cannot get out of this box. I am in a world of a billion men with nothing to make my struggle any more significant than another's. I understand it isn't about me. It's not. But I ache. I ache because I am the most powerful person alive in my life right now. I am second to God in my life. Everyone else is equal to me or less. And this is because I am a shepherd of people's hearts. Through God's power I am a shepherd. They respond well, and eat, and I believe I might be a good one, but I am, in my 22 year old youth, in need of a Father figure who is greater than I am. It is not enough to not have that. I need one greater than me. I have been the strongest man for a while now.

Elder? Sage? Laughable words these days. Back then Grandparents and parents you could turn to were common to teach you the order of life. These days its as if He might as well made man from the dirt again in this world and said, "have at it". It hurts to not have not one elder. They are all dead. Relationships are lacking, dying, building so slowly. The pain is enourmous, and while carrying this load, still expected to live and serve regardless. Why don't I enjoy this life? It is opposed by Satan. I enjoy it a lot of times, but sometimes I just struggle to keep my head straight. Jesus, I want to die. First to myself, then in my body so I can be in heaven. It is too much.

I am among thousands of men with no power or authourity to change this world because they all believe they are victims. We are all victims of some pain. My dad's absence was 100% his fault. His constant choice to be absent caused me to not have him and to be a victim of abandonment. 60% of my struggles today in my life come from his choices. And yet, I fight for the right cause through the pain. Why? Because I refuse to stay a victim and so victimize others by not encouraging and helping them, living a life that is all about me. There is never an excuse to sit there saying "take care of me" and never do anything for yourself or others, although I am tempted to do that. I hurt. You hurt. Jesus hurt.

Father help me to see clearly again...I believe that you promise abundant life in this life and the next, and i'm not stopping until I see it. I was frazzled by going to Evangel (Lifesource Perry Hall for the first time) tonight and had a lot of new pain come up, but that doesn't change you. Give me grace and show me love; show me how to reach perfect peace in you.

Pierre